(This post is a follow-up to “Lust Of The Eyes”)

My husband looks at other women and has even done so on the internet.  He says all men do it and that they even lust, but we both know lusting is wrong.  Can you please tell me from the standpoint of a godly man… have you lusted?

Sincerely,
Jealous Wife

Dear Jealous Wife,

All human beings struggle with lust, but the operative word is struggle.  Your husband is using the fact that all people sin as an excuse to continue sinning.  Lusting after women that you aren’t married to is adultery in your heart (Matt 5:27-28).  Your husband needs to make a heartfelt decision to repent of this sin (Acts 3:19).  The word ‘repent’ means to ‘change your mind’.  He is currently embracing this sin by looking at women on the internet; he needs to start struggling with this dark temptation.

I am a twenty-four-year-old wife and mother of two.  My husband and I have been together for five years, some good, a lot of pain.  We lived in Oregon for a couple years of our marriage, and during that time, we had our daughter, and my marriage was very painful.  He always hangs out with friends that don't care about married people (or women for that matter), and they would gladly give him drugs to use and bring him to strip clubs and worse.  Well, his friend had to go to Iraq, and he said he realized that our marriage was down the drain and that I couldn't take it anymore, so we moved to Colorado where his family lives to get away from the people and things that kept bringing him down.  Things were great in Colorado.  He was treating me like I was worth something.  Well, his friend that went to Iraq got back, and magically, we had to move back to Oregon for his schooling because he can't handle online classes anymore.  He promised he wouldn't hang out with old people or do old things again.  Well, we have only been here a week and half, and he has left every day so far to hang out with these guys at bars and who knows where else, coming home late every night, telling me to just be cool with things and stop being his mom all the time.  I don't know what to do because it is too much.  What should I do?  I'm really losing my mind and don't have a friend in him anymore.  He just tells me I am psycho and crazy and I need to stop being so stupid because I am the one that changed.  When I cry, he just tells me to shut up because crying won't make me get my way.  I don't do it on purpose; I try to hold it in, but the loneliness is killing me.  What is a christian wife supposed to do?  I've been praying like crazy, but nothing is getting better.

Sincerely,
Missing Colorado

Dear Missing Colorado,

There are no easy answers to the struggle you are going through.  Your question was "what can a christian wife do?", and we will do our best to answer that specific question and leave all counseling to those in a better position to help.  You have two options, and neither of them is a smooth road.

Option #1 - Remain with him and plant your feet.  1 Pet 3:1 says that your example of faithfulness and godliness has a chance of winning your husband over.  Don't accept immoral behavior, but in everything else, be subject to him and show kindness and respect.  Overcome evil with good (Rom 12:21).  Every time you act in a loving and righteous manner toward him, it will heap coals upon his head, and it will hurt his conscience (Rom 12:19-20).

Option #2 - You cannot divorce him unless he has committed adultery, but you can be separated (1 Cor 7:10-11).  If his behavior is so detrimental to your children and life that you can no longer live faithfully toward God in such an environment, you can separate from him.  If you do this, you must remain unmarried and seek in every way to reconcile with him if he shows a willingness to change his ways.  This second option is a choice of last resort.

Either road is difficult, but the first option is Biblically preferable.  If you two can find and get counseling – do so.  We would be happy to point you in the direction of a faithful counselor/preacher in your area if you would like.  Simply e-mail us at askyourpreacher@mvchurchofchrist.org.  We are so sorry to hear of your struggles and trials.  May God bless you as you seek to be faithful to Him above all else.

     Does the Bible say anything about how a married couple should act after the kids have left home?  Is there any responsibility between the two to show affection or maintain a relationship?  Or can they part ways yet remain married under law?

Sincerely,
Growing Apart

Dear Growing Apart,

A godly marriage is not built upon raising children; raising children is built upon a godly marriage.  The marriage comes first, and then the children (Eph 5:31).  Before Adam and Eve had any children, they had a responsibility to one another.  Also, the Bible commands us to rejoice in our marriage even in our old age (Pr 5:18).  A husband and wife have a responsibility to one another regardless of the status or age of their children (1 Cor 7:1-3).  If a couple simply “parted ways” they may be fulfilling the letter of the law by remaining unmarried again (1 Cor 7:10-11), but it definitely would not be fulfilling the spirit of God’s intentions for marriage.

I am seeing a guy who has been married before.  His wife was unfaithful, and they divorced.  My mother is not supportive whatsoever because of the fact that God hates divorce.  But from reading, I understand that God permits him to remarry.  Am I correct?

Sincerely,
Cautious Courting

Dear Cautious Courting,

God absolutely hates divorce, but your boyfriend had every right to get a divorce.  Mal 2:16 makes it clear that God finds no pleasure in divorce.  Every divorce that has ever occurred has been caused by sin.  Divorce destroys families, hurts countless people, and leaves people with years of emotional damage.  God never intended for husbands and wives to split (Gen 2:24).

However, God does allow for divorce when fornication has occurred (Matt 19:9).  Your boyfriend had every right to divorce his spouse because fornication hardens the hearts in the marriage (Matt 19:8).  Your boyfriend is free to remarry.

I have been married to my husband for ten years.  My husband lies to me about big and small things.  Last year, we lost our house because he wasn't paying the mortgage, even though all the time he was telling me he was.  I found out about the situation by being served court papers while he was at work.  That is just one example of many.   A couple months ago, he lost his job because he lied about things at work.  I don't know what to do.  He tells me he is looking for work, but I know he isn't.

We've been to counseling, but it doesn't help because he agrees to everything the counselor says but then doesn't put anything to practice.  It hurts, and I have no idea what to do.  I pray for him and for us, but I also know my husband needs to want to change.  I feel disappointed and lonely.  Any suggestions or biblical wisdom for me?

Sincerely,
Not A Liar, Liar

Dear Not A Liar, Liar,

Your situation is very difficult, and there are no easy answers we can provide.  You may need to seek counseling for yourself even if your husband won’t go.  A lying spouse is tremendously hard to overcome because all successful marriages are based upon trust.  Lying destroys relationships (Pr 26:28).

Until he wants to change, all you can do is establish yourself in truth.  Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling (Php 2:12).  Behave in a godly way, and don’t accept anything that will compromise your morals… your uncompromising stance for godliness is your greatest tool to affect your husband (1 Cor 7:12-16).  You have no right to divorce him – as awful as lying is, it isn’t a divorce-worthy offense (Matt 19:9).  However, you do have the right to plant your feet and accept nothing less than the truth in your marriage (Pr 23:23).