“Close To Home”

Friday, June 28, 2013

I grew up in a "christian" home - one where we went to church on Sundays, and my mother often quoted the Bible and listened exclusively to religious music – while simultaneously hideously abusing me on both an emotional and physical level.  Now that I am an adult, married, and expecting my first child, my husband recently asked my mother to leave our home after a surprise visit and asked her not to come back – mainly because she continues the emotional abuse to this day.  After every episode of it, she will call me the next day as if nothing happened, offering no apology or even acknowledgment of her behavior, but carrying on a regular conversation.  While I have forgiven her, I no longer want her in my life, and though I pray for her happiness, health, and well-being, I cannot bear to live with the emotional abuse and the constant (4-5 times per week) phone calls at all hours.  I have politely told her many times that we need to address the issue of her behavior which sends her into another abusive episode followed by complete denial that anything happened.  I want to be Christ-like.  I forgive every time, but does that mean I have to look at another perhaps forty years of this?  What would Jesus do?  Am I wrong to cut her out of my life?  I do not want my son, due in July, to grow up around this influence, and this cycle of abusive outbursts followed by denial and disengagement has been happening for years.

Sincerely,
Breaking The Cycle

Dear Breaking The Cycle,

Showing forgiveness is not the same as trusting someone.  You have every right to set boundaries in your life if someone is corrupting you with their bad company (1 Cor 15:33).  If you have respectfully tried to show your mother the boundaries (and it sounds like you have), there comes a time when you must put your immediate family before your extended family.  You have a responsibility to your mother, but you have a greater responsibility to your husband and child (Matt 19:5).  It is unfortunate that you are in this situation, but Christ even said that sometimes christian morality will divide families (Matt 10:34-35).  We cannot tell you exactly what lines to draw (that is a matter of wisdom, not doctrine), but you are perfectly scriptural in setting some degree of moral boundary.

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