Is it biblical to make someone live as a hostage of conditional love? Would God make someone live alone when He Himself went through great lengths to have a relationship with man, even to the point that He wanted to drown all of humanity and start all over? I ask such questions due to the fact that there are certain religious sects that will not allow certain saints to find love after God has put asunder an abominable relationship. Here is a real situation: two dysfunctional kids, the boy just turned eighteen and the girl thirteen, and they were told they had to go into Mexico and not return without a marriage certificate. The girl grew up and realized she did not approve of the choices made for her and wanted an annulment. She was denied. This lady then went on to have multiple lovers throughout the twenty-two years of this terrible union. She eventually asked for a divorce, relinquished her parental rights, moved in with the man she was seeing, and then married him. Unfortunately, the man she was married to is not being allowed to find true love due to the fact that his spiritual peers say he cannot marry again because the woman is still his wife. Can this man have love?

Sincerely, Tragic Tale Bearer

Dear Tragic Tale Bearer,

The man is not married any longer. Yes, he has a right to remarry. Yes, this is a horrible story that punctuates why God hates divorce (Mal 2:16). So much goes wrong when people, for whatever reasons, enter into marriages hastily. Marriage is intended as a life-long agreement (1 Cor 7:39), and when it ends before “death do us part”, there is always sin involved. And wherever sin is, there is pain and suffering… even for christians (Heb 12:5-6). There is more than enough blame to grow around in situations of divorce, but ultimately we are left with the same reality – she committed adultery, and then they got a divorce. So what now?

The only reason that God permits christians to get divorced for is fornication (Matt 19:19). As you stated, that is what happened here. The man and woman are no longer married, and he has a right to find a new wife if he so chooses. Hopefully, if he ever does get married again, it will have a happier ending.

Can someone who has had an adulterous affair in the past and since repented be qualified to be an elder?

Sincerely, Credential Control

Dear Credential Control,

Theoretically, it doesn’t disqualify him if a congregation feels completely comfortable that he is no longer capable of that behavior. Your question is very similar to another question we received on appointing deacons. The qualification he has to meet is ‘husband of one wife’ (Tit 1:6, 1 Tim 3:2) which literally means ‘one woman man’. In order to be qualified as an elder, a man has to show that he is completely and totally devoted to one woman.

Though it is possible that someone could have committed adultery long ago (say, before they were a christian) and is completely different now – any adulterous affair raises a gigantic red flag. A congregation would have to be able to unequivocally feel that the adultery was a thing of the past and inconceivable to ever exist in the future.

Adultery can certainly be forgiven and repented of, but being an elder is a position of great honor (1 Tim 5:17) and immense responsibility (Heb 13:17). An elder must not only be faithful now but have lived a life that is above reproach (1 Tim 3:2). Very few conduct themselves circumspectly enough to qualify for the good work of overseeing the Lord’s church (1 Tim 3:1).

If you cheated on a spouse two times, and you repented both times… will you still reap what you sow?

Sincerely, Double Trouble

Dear Double Trouble,

Yes, you always reap what you sow. Repentance brings forgiveness from God (Acts 8:22), and sometimes, but not always, it brings forgiveness from your fellow man (Lk 17:3). Repenting of your sins doesn’t remove the consequences for them though. David suffered greatly for his sins - even though he repented (2 Sam 12:9-13). Peter said that it is normal and appropriate when a man suffers in this life for his sins (1 Pet 2:20). The teaching that you “reap what you sow” (Gal 6:7) is a universal law that cannot be broken. It is just as real as gravity and just as unavoidable.

It is a good thing when someone repents after committing adultery. God hates adultery (Heb 13:4). Unrepentant adulterers have a horrible eternal fate in hell (Rev 21:8). However, just because someone repents doesn’t mean the consequences go away. Trust has been destroyed, and one cannot expect that trust to be rebuilt quickly. The road to recovery from adultery is long and harrowing. And after saying all that, their spouse still has every right to kick them to the curb and divorce them (Matt 19:9).

I am a christian woman whose husband left in January.  At that time, we were not living as christians.  Since then, I have committed to the Lord.  My husband was gone for four months and started an affair and lived with another woman.  He asked me to reconcile and forgive him, and he has repented to God.  He is in church now.  Do I still have a biblical right for a divorce because I am having great difficulty in this marriage now, or am I obligated because of his repentance?

Sincerely, Heart Sick

Dear Heart Sick,

Divorce is always a horrible thing, but yes – you have a right to divorce him because of his adultery. The Bible is clear that God hates divorce (Mal 2:16). God intends for a man and a woman to remain together for a lifetime (Mk 10:7-9). However, God has made provision for a situation soiled by adultery. In the case of adultery, a husband or wife has the right to divorce their spouse (Matt 19:9). It is a painful decision to make, but yes, you do have the option. You will have to prayerfully weigh whether or not to use it.

When a person loses their spouse or child to death, how does that remaining person keep from becoming like Jacob in the book of Genesis when he lost his son Joseph, and he mourned so hard he "let his grey hair down to Sheol"?

Sincerely, Deep In Sorrow

Dear Deep In Sorrow,

This is a great question… which is why thousands of books have been written

on the subject of grief. The statement you referred to is made by Jacob immediately upon hearing of his son's death and when he contemplates the loss of a second son (Gen 37:35, Gen 42:38). That emotion is a normal one. When one learns of the death of a spouse or child, their first reaction is so painful and the grief is so deep that they feel they will never have another happy moment on this earth. Jacob's first reaction was normal in this respect. Jacob later received the good news that his son was alive, so he didn't have to go to his grave in pain.

But your question is about us today. How do we handle grief, so that we will be able to recover and find happiness again? This process of handling grief is called "Healing Grief." It means we go through the grieving process in the right way, so we can heal. This is where those thousands of books come in, and I suggest you read many of them if you are in this condition. Some of the major things most people need to do are:

1) Go ahead and cry your eyes out. Don't be ashamed to express your pain by crying. (Ps 6:6-7)

2) If you have a friend who will listen, talk, talk, talk. Crying and talking are very therapeutic. Don't hold it in! Cry and talk. (Eccl 4:10)

3) Cry out to God in prayer and listen to God as He speaks to you through His Bible, especially the book of Psalms (Phil 4:6; 1 Pet 5:6-7). 4) This next one sounds funny to someone who has not been through this experience, but those who have will know what I am saying. After a few months, you will realize that you don't want to let go of your loved one. You don't want them forgotten. You actually hope they might, in some way, come back. At this stage, you must accept the fact that they are gone. This is not easy, but it is a big step that is necessary to healing. (2 Sam 12:22-23)

When this acceptance actually comes into your life, you will begin the final period called ‘recovery’. It is at this time that hope will come back into your life, and you will find happiness again. You are going through a grieving process God built within us humans who are made in His image… so don’t give up. Even Jesus Himself experienced this emotion (John 11:35).